I, like a lot of people, struggle with really letting people in. i’m usually not intentionally blocking people out, it happens more like a natural reflex from being hurt in the past & even some recent times. I think a lot of our natural reactions to things is to protect ourselves. I believe that God gave us that reflex for a good & healthy reason because sometimes there are actual times that we shouldn’t trust people. But there are also times that we take that reaction to an unhealthy point. I personally do that a lot. With almost every relationship that I have really. With people who haven’t even given me any reason not to trust them. I just subconsciously assume that they aren’t safe.
For a while, staying in control and not letting people in can feel good & safe. Makes me feel like I’m in control of my own life and that I can handle anything. That I can choose and be in control of who can or cannot affect me. Because if I let people actually emotionally affect me, then they have the ability to hurt me. Which is just complete backwards thinking because the whole reason that I protect myself IS because I am hurt. I continually just try to protect myself from something that has already happened….. Why do we do that? We really are just so deceived in our thinking when we do that.
The problem with that is that, while it feels good in the moment, it leaves me empty and alone in the long run. Having a wall of pride and control up around me blocks out all the real, deep relationships I can be having with God and the people around me who actually do love me. It also keeps IN the hurt. I’m not only just blocking people out, I’m also keeping all the hurt in. There’s no free flow happening. It keeps me from living in TRUE freedom. I become a slave to safety. I keep myself locked inside those walls while the freedom of life is going on outside.
I was reading this morning and came across Matthew 6:33, a scripture that I’ve read probably a thousand times.
“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
It jumped out at me in a different way than I had ever seen it before. Normally I think about it like if I continue to live for God and for His purposes then life will go well. Like things will work out. Like that I don’t need to worry about others because God will handle it. That He will handle all life around me. But for some reason I typically don’t really think too much about it for my own inner issues. Most likely because when I live behind a wall I also am keeping God out of there. Because I think I can handle my own issues and just ask for God’s help with everything outside of the wall. I just had to literally pause and just shake my head at myself at that revelation. It’s just so ridiculous to think that I have all this under control and to keep out the ONE that CAN actually do something about my inner struggles. The ONLY ONE that can bring true healing and freedom. Today I saw that He’s saying that if I seek Him first, not me, then HE will provide me with protection, HE will provide me with love. The key is actually believing Him and what He’s promised. To actually believe and trust in His character. With just me inside the wall alone I actually AM letting myself be continually hurt and unprotected. Just the simple fact of being alone in there. I can’t be on high alert at all times when I’m by myself. But if I just at least let HIM in the wall with me, He could then have the opportunity to protect me.
“He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.” Psalm 121:3-5
I may not be able to always stay awake every second and protect my own self, as much as I try, but God NEVER sleeps. I don’t have to protect myself, God is my 24/7 protection. He NEVER sleeps or slumbers. His hand of protection and blessing is ALWAYS on me.